My Dearest Lydia
A father's letters to his unborn baby girl with anencephaly.
A journey of a man and His God through grief and mercy.
A journey of a man and His God through grief and mercy.
Every dollar will go towards medical bills and healing.
My Dearest Lydia,
We started a fundraising campaign for you and your medical needs yesterday, and the outpouring of love keeps overflowing. To be honest, ever since we learned about your condition (about two weeks ago --- feels like a year) the love has been bigger and broader than we could have ever have thought. You are loved, my Dearest Little Girl. You are loved because people are kind and they care. God made us this way. Sometimes we get caught up in the rat race of life, but this whole journey with you has brought me back from the lofty self-righteous trips I have been on - the stupid ways I did not see before. God's graces cover us all in our imperfections, I am sure.
Nothing matters anymore, except the love and hope that we feel for you; the Love God says He has for you.
You see, my Dear, I have been in television and film for over 20 years. That might seem like a lifetime for you. But, it is a lot more than a life time for you, isn't it? Oh, my dear. My sweat. Your daddy got to sit at the feet of giants in Hollywood, work on their projects, and overlook Hollywood in is a private office on Sunset. This all reeks of self-righteousness, doesn't it? I laugh at these days now. I just want you in my arms. I have chased dreams, I have been blessed to do so much, but in the scheme of things, none of it matters. None of it is worth the sand it is on.
"What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?" - Matthew 16:26
No, none of it matters now. I lost my job, too. Yeah, but you don't even know what a job is, do you? You don't know what any of this I speak of means, but I hope my soul finds healing and I can read these to you in a not so distant future...
I thought that losing was the lowest of the low, just a few weeks ago. Then we learned about your health and the job "thing" actually never came back into my mind. My Dearest Lydia, you're our daughter; You are our princess. God gave you to us to cherish and to love, whether that is only a few more days or months; Whether that is to full term or for months afterward, we don't know everything about your situation. We only know we love you, God has set you apart to know, and nothing else matters. Let the whole world fall away. Just give me my daughter, Dear Lord. Please?
But, we all must submit to the Maker and come to the Cross in our grief, because He knows about this sort of agony more than we sometimes give Him credit for.
I wanted so badly to sit you on my knee and to tell you about Christ Jesus. Now, it seems (like the poem goes), He will sit you on His knees and tell you about us. You will learn about the love we have for you, the distances we go for you, and the people's lives you touch just by being here; just by us acknowledging that you are worth more than all the gold in the world. Like every soul God has put on this Earth, you are worth more than this world can offer.
"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5
"Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me."
- Mercy Me, "Dear Younger Me" Song
I have to put all of this in Him, now, my Dearest Lydia. We will fight for you, we will honor your life, and you will have more experiences and books read to you than (possibly) any other pre-born Princess on this Earth. Your brother already gets over 300 pages a day easily (LOL). You must be reading already with all of these books. We will take you on a vacation of a lifetime soon. We will celebrate your life as a Princess of God. You will get to have a once in a life time experience, and we will keep giving skills to you so that we can remember the love, the gratitude for your life, and the care that everyone showed to you while you were here with us. It is an honor and a blessing to be your dad. It is a blessing to have a wife that says yes to you, even though we know what this means for us.
My Dear, I cry less now. I also sleep better now. My appetite is finally coming back, a little. These healings in our lives don't take away our grief we have for you, but it shows that we are slowly putting this all into God's hands. He cannot take all the pain away. That would be cruel if we were robots and we did not love and hurt. I thank God for this pain, this suffering, and to feel you in our lives. I wish we had joy and celebrations right now, but it is more about preparing for your arrival and what that means in this situation. By all means, God could heal you in a split second. We wait for the healing power of Christ, as we accept His current answers for our family.
"Blessed [are] they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." - Matthew 5:4
I cannot tell you how many people have come to our aid, my Dearest Love. There are too many loved ones to count. I can say we are loved, you are loved, and we have mourned more than we have even mourned in our lives. Together, as a Body of Christ, prayers have gone up for you and your parents on an hourly basis. We have cried to the point of bleeding for you. My tears ran red one night. I was in so much agony over you, my Dear.
God weeps for us. I know. He cares so much for us, as imperfect human beings. He wished for us to free willingly walk with Him in a perfect garden, but in His infinite wisdom and love, He did not make us drones. He gave us the freedom to love who and what we want. He wants us to love Him, first, but he loves us so much, He provides us with the ability to choose. We decide to love Him, now, my Sweet. One day we will see you in perfect form, healthy, and we will hug you with all of our might.
"For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us." - Romans 8:18
My Dear, one day we will be together. One day we will talk, laugh, and rejoice that all of this sadness has passed away and eternity has come. But, we must keep living the here and now. When the days of healing come, my Dearest, if I live in the past (holding on), I do not look forward to the future in what God WILL do. If I live in the future (holding on to seeing you healthy), I will miss what he is doing right here and now, with your Mommy and your brother. We, your parents, have to live in the here and now. We must fight for your life, love everyone we know harder than ever, and pray for peace in these times of uncertainty. One thing is for certain - you are loved, my Dear.
I wish more people knew this love. The world would be a better place, for sure. With all my heart, my Dearest Lydia, we love you. But, God loves you more. You are cherished greatly.
"Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish." - Matthew 18:14
We will have the fortitude, believe in God, His infinite wisdom, and love, and know that these days will pass away, healing will slowly take shape, and we will come out more loving than ever before. Yes, in some odd Godly divine way, I think that this has something to do with the way we see the world and the hurting. I think the suffering now helps us to understand the suffering of God, his creation, and to love more. I wish to share this love God has shared with me through you, Lydia. There are so many loved ones, Godly souls, Children of God, that have come to our aid. They have shown us the God within, the faith in action, and they continually pray for you and your family. I think the bigger picture looks something like this.
God knows more than I do, but He has given us a glimpse of His suffering through Jesus's passion; what an infinitely powerful Father would do for the world as they murder His only son; the love He must have for us to know Him. We have caught a glimpse of Mary's obedience and love, through Her motherly pain - What love must a mother have for her child, knowing that her Love would die anyway. There is a bigger picture than just the suffering of here and now.
We understand that God is doing something so much more with your life, Lydia, my Lovilest. We trust in Him, love Him, and tell everyone about our love for you, our Sweat Child. This human experience is what it must feel like for God to look down at us and to see so much suffering. I cannot tell you the warmth of God's grace at this time. It's too much mercy; it makes me cry.
Sometimes a cry because I don't feel as bad as I think I should, but then I remember God's grace is on us, and we are feeling the peace that passes all understanding. We have done everything we can for you, my Love. Everything. The Great Physician is in control now, and we must put our hands into His and have peace from a storm that seems never to end. We do this for our love for you. But, we also do it because we love God and what He says you are; a Child of God.
Here are some more verses, my Dearest, that I lean on at these times. God speaks to your mommy and me through the Living Word, through the Loved Ones that come to our aid, and the prayers we say to our Lord. He speaks to us through these:
"Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, who formed you from the womb: “I am the Lord, who made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by myself," - Isaiah 44:24
"Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you." - Isaiah 49:15
"Upon you, I have leaned from before my birth; you are he who took me from my mother's womb. My praise is continual of you." - Psalm 71:6
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” - Jeremiah 1:5
"But when he who had set me apart before I was born,[a] and who called me by his grace." - Galatians 1:15
My Dearest, make no mistake, you are loved! We all are. No words can express infinite love. The pain is not gone. The struggle is more real than ever. But, our God is bigger than our pain. I pray that he continues to comfort us in this marathon of suffering, for you Lydia. Our Dearest Lydia.
To make a donation to the Lydia campaign, please www.gofundme.com/DearestLydiaclick on the button, or here and donate. Every dollar will go towards helping Lydia and Miranda, and to help the family with preparations for her arrival. This blog will serve as a future testimony of a Father, a Mother, and their undying love for a little girl named Lydia.
Our daughter, Lydia Dianne McDonald, was diagnosed with a terminal condition called Anencephaly. It plainly means she an unfinished scull and her brain damaged, making her not able to live outside the womb. These are my letters to my daughter and how I would try to explain this to her and my own soul. This is my letters to God and my daughter.