My Dearest Lydia
A father's letters to his unborn baby girl with anencephaly.
A journey of a man and His God through grief and mercy.
A journey of a man and His God through grief and mercy.
Every dollar will go towards medical bills and healing.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7
My Dearest Lydia,
The only thing that calms my soul in preparation for you, my Dear, is prayer and reading the Bible. I have searched, and searched, and searched for man's words, poems, and brilliant sayings, but nothing comes close to God's own words, for me. Like the verse above, however, it is one thing to read it and another to live it. I guess this is the struggle of being a finite creature; the issue here is being human and not being able to automatically shut off your mind to the trials and tribulations that have befallen and are yet to come.
My dearest child, how can one be calm in the midst of a storm that will surely take you, if God does not will you to stay with us? How can one be thankful for this time in our lives? I want to celebrate your life. I want to put my hand on my wife's belly and speak to you infinite love, but when I do, I mourn. I weep more than I have ever known, but my love for you and my God never changes. He still gave you to us, so that the world would know your name, and glorify His because of the love and Word that is spreading, because you exist.
I have felt the peace that transcends all understanding, and I do not understand it. Funny, heh? I feel sorry when I don't feel bad enough to cry. I feel inadequate when I cry so hard I want to throw up because I don't think I have enough faith in God. But, God's own words say that it is ok to have a question. Being angry is okay. But, what I do in these times is give thanks to God for the time we have with you, not the time lost. I want to thank him for showing us you, for giving us you, and for letting us share your name with the world. But, this place in our minds and hearts makes me feel odd at times.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9
I guess my biggest struggle, at this point, my dearest of all, Lydia, is to put it into His hands and not to attempt to figure it all out. Why? Because, in simple human form, we can never understand. The more I learn, the more I study, and the more I struggle with that question "Why"?, the more I learn that that is the wrong thing to ask. He is so much more than what I will ever be, and the pointillism painting of heaven is so much bigger than what I can see up close in this situation. I will never know exactly how this event in human history stitches into the fabric of God's will. Until we are together, in Heaven, my Love, we will not know these answers.
My Dearest Lydia, pointillism is when you make a painting out of dots. Up close you cannot see anything. It looks like chaos, like someone didn't know what they were doing, or like it was an accident. These paintings look sporadic, unrelated dots to each other, and then you think the painting has no meaning what so ever. Then, you step back. Something looks odd like there is something more going on. Then, you step back, again, and even more of the dots seem related to each other. Sooner or later, you step so far back you can see the whole image, and it all makes sense. It is all in unity, perfect imagery, and you are at peace with what has taken place on the canvas and with the Artist's original vision. Pointillism is what I see in this situation and anyone else's pain. It is all related. In Heaven, we will be so removed; we will finally be at total peace and understand what it all means.
But, for now, we are here. I am nose to canvas (too close), and it is awkwardly uncomfortable at times. I just can't see what is happening. But, this peace that surpasses all understanding tells me that we are all more than the sum of our experiences. You, Lydia, are more than just a child that Doctors give no hope to. You are a daughter of Zion; this is the full picture. This is what I know in my faith. God is so much bigger than this moment in history. He transcends everything we see, and I have to trust in Him when He says "Peace, peace, peace.". In my humanity, I come and go in this place. But, I know it is there, ready for me to grab. I catch it as much as I can, my baby girl. When I come and go in and out of sanity, in and out of tears, and I hang onto the only one that can offer this sort of peace, that is the only time I can see the full picture.
God's Word is like reading an Artists description of a painting. A printables that's so big we can't see it all, but there is the discretion for us to read ourselves. If we chose, we can grab His Word, read it with all of our might, and get a glimpse of what is going on around us, my dear. It doesn't stop the pain. It eases it for a moment. When we are in Heaven, that is when all of this will fade away, but until then we cling to the Description.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28
Lydia, I don't know what this all means, at this time. All I know is that I love you. Your Mommie and I love you so much. But, again, I know God loves you more. He knows more than I do and even though I use to preach at pulpits thinking I had a clue, in the light of all of this, in the midst of this storm, I am learning that I know nothing. None of us do. We get so caught up in the legalism of a relationship with God. We tell others they are in danger of hell, we think of ourselves better than other Christians that go to other Churches, we set up weird rules for music and ridiculous human qualms that have nothing to do with God - we put ourselves in charge of God's Word, and we don't let Him speak for Himself. We like to add our own rules, where we have no business. It is simply about being a child of God, not a manager. Maybe that is what He is doing in my life right now. Maybe He is saying none of this matters. Only He does.
I have experienced a closer to God that I have never experienced before, Lydia. It all started when I sought Him first, and not the rules, and not my ideals. Only when I laid myself down at His feet, burned everything I thought I knew, this is where I met God. Not a denomination or group that is elitist, but my personal life laid down. Our lives in unity with Him, our walk in step with His, and no human made rules slowing us down from His presence; this is where I met God. God's Word, His Son, and the Spirit. Lydia, my dearest, this is where I find sanity in this storm.
That means no titles we put on ourselves, no films I will ever make, no title on a Church, an associate of faith, no human rules, no legalistic disunifying "Higher than Thou" thought process means anything. Only He does. Only Christ Jesus, His Father, and the Holy Spirit. If I can step away from the painting and see this, if I can see that only family and friends, and those I can help in their hurting times matter - If all of the worlds junk we put in front of relationships could get out of the way, God could move mountains through us. God is the only thing that matters.
"So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish." - Matthew 18:14
And yet, I still don't know what this means for you, Lydia. I know you will go directly to Heaven, in God's arms, and he will smile down on us and say that we gave you a heartbeat as long as you had one. We said yes to life, yes to you, and yes to the pain and love mixed into these days. I know we will stand for you, Lydia, and we will not falter in these trying days, because you are our child, and we say yes to your life. We say yes to God Who gives and takes away.
We will continue to pray for your healing. We will continue to ask for God's mercy and love. We would be overjoyed to raise you as our own, but we know God had you first. We are not any more important than the parents that have gone before us, my Dearest, but we will keep asking God to will you healthy. But, if He does not will this, we will be obedient to Him. We will have lots of questions, but we will obedient and love you in this storm.
Your brother's birthday is coming up. September 3rd. We have a trip coming up to celebrate his life. We will celebrate yours as well, my Dearest Loved Lydia.
To make a donation to the Lydia campaign, please www.gofundme.com/DearestLydiaclick on the button, or here and donate. Every dollar will go towards helping Lydia and Miranda, and to help the family with preparations for her arrival. This blog will serve as a future testimony of a Father, a Mother, and their undying love for a little girl named Lydia.
Our daughter, Lydia Dianne McDonald, was diagnosed with a terminal condition called Anencephaly. It plainly means she an unfinished scull and her brain damaged, making her not able to live outside the womb. These are my letters to my daughter and how I would try to explain this to her and my own soul. This is my letters to God and my daughter.