My Dearest Lydia
A father's letters to his unborn baby girl with anencephaly.
A journey of a man and His God through grief and mercy.
A journey of a man and His God through grief and mercy.
Every dollar will go towards medical bills and healing.
My Dearest Lydia,
Time passes too fast. These moments have become a meditation of mine for the past few weeks. Loved ones have been praying, supporting, and comforting us. The overwhelming support for your situation and our undying resilience to love you until God takes you home has been overwhelming. It isn't that we think God will heal you just because we ask; we don't think our Creator is a genie that grants wishes. We do, however, believe God can do what He wants and He says He gives His loved ones their hearts desires. I don't know what that desire is right now (whether it is for you to be here with us or to go home to God for the sake of whatever might lie in wake for your earthly life). Only God can say what these reasons are right now. But, I do know time moves too quickly and soon our time with you will come to a close... or begin... My dearest baby girl, these days of anguish I will miss in a few weeks or months. I will miss you being here the most, good or bad.
God only knows what is best.
I found a few things while reading about other parents that have gone through our and your situation, my baby girl. The comfort of talking to others, spending time in God's Word, silent time with just Him, and seeing beautiful messages here and there, they give me much comfort in a time of great sorrow. Here is one of my favorites:
“Life is not about how long we live, but the moments. Our lives are just a series of them, and we never know when they will happen. They stick with us, marking our souls for eternity. Living for eternity isn’t as much all the pain you would feel from the lost lives, but the lack of surprise and knowing too much for too long. What keeps us alive more than a heartbeat and blood pumping through our bodies is hope. Hope for more memories that stick with us forever.” - Forever, TV Show
If God wills you back to him, then these are things we wish. We hope for memories with you, to pass down what we have learned in our short 30-something years on earth. I want to have memories with you on vacations, dances, wedding, the birth of your children, but these things (as they stand for now) will not come to pass. I pray to God that he spares your life, which you can live a long and fruitful life, a happy life if anything, and I pray to make memories with you. These words I shared with you are ideal for the living, those that will live long lives. But, they are little comfort to a mommy and a daddy wishing to love and raise their baby girl.
Lydia, my dearest, sweetest, most innocent of all, I love you so much, and so the pain is too much to bear. The anguish is too much to take. I have to give it to God and ask Him to take the pain away for a few minutes in my waking moments. I have to ask Him for comfort that comes beyond all understanding, because with out Jesus, without God's love, and without the Spirit to comfort me, I would lose myself. So, I always turn to the Bible, God's own words to comfort in these days of grieving.
“He is despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:4). (Jesus, the greatest empathize, understands what you are going through and will stay beside you.)
The only person that knows what your mommy and daddy are going through is Jesus Himself. Yes, we can talk to other people that have gone through this loss or grief, yes we can speak to counselors until we are blue in the face, but at the end of my day, the only Person that can understand bleeding from sweat or tears is Jesus. The agony of it all, the intense episodes of loss. This pain is what hell must feel like; having no hope without God is hell. But, we do have God. We do have His Son. We do have His mother who took it upon herself to dread the day her son would be drug and beaten. We have the Spirit, the Comforter. We know more than we ever have, because of Jesus Christ. He is the only way for us. He is the only truth we can believe. He is the only life that will give you a miracle or gladly hold you and tell you about your loving parents when the time comes.
He is the only one.
My dearest, Lydia, He is the only thing keeping me from going insane. My grief goes far beyond the cross. Trust me. It has to stop at the Cross because He is the only one that can bear the rest of my torment.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). (The Lord will wrap His arms of love and comfort around those who trust in Him.)
There is an awkward sense of peace now, my Dearest. There is a comfort that comes from knowing you are His, not mine. You aren't your mommies, and we gladly give you back, because He knows best, but we do not rip your life from this earth out of ease on our lives. We do not let go of you too soon because we want to move on with our ways of living. No, we stick around. We love you; We let you live in hopes of loving on you. God gave you to us to protect as He did with Mary. We say yes to all of the tears, heart ache, and grief because it is an honor to have you in our lives, my baby girl.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). (Lean on God and allow Him to continue the process of healing your broken heart.)
Life is going to fast, my Princess. Life is moving like the speed of light, and we cannot slow it down to have you for one extra second than what we have. It pains us to know that the future is at hand and we pray for you to come home to us. But, we know that He will mend our hearts, our minds, and remember you back to Him if you are unable to live here with your mommy and daddy. Time goes too fast for us here on Earth, but to God, it is like a thousand years. He knows how to love on you better than we do, and He will be the one that wills you here or there. We love you so much.
The only thing that calms us in this storm is knowing that there is a God that loves us so much that he sent His Son to know our pain and to bring you home to Him. In all of this, we know that God is good all the time. So, I refuse to tell my God of our massive troubles and pain. I will shout out at the troubles and pain about our massive God. He loves you. He loves us. He loves everyone.
To make a donation to the Lydia campaign, please www.gofundme.com/DearestLydiaclick on the button, or here and donate. Every dollar will go towards helping Lydia and Miranda, and to help the family with preparations for her arrival. This blog will serve as a future testimony of a Father, a Mother, and their undying love for a little girl named Lydia.
Our daughter, Lydia Dianne McDonald, was diagnosed with a terminal condition called Anencephaly. It plainly means she an unfinished scull and her brain damaged, making her not able to live outside the womb. These are my letters to my daughter and how I would try to explain this to her and my own soul. This is my letters to God and my daughter.