Book: Raising Giants – Study Guide: Chapter 17
- Dr. Layne McDonald
- Jun 9
- 7 min read
"But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.'" , 1 Samuel 16:7 (ESV)
The Exhaustion of Behavior Management
Every parent has been there. You are exhausted. The house is a mess, the schedule is packed, and for the tenth time today, your child has repeated the exact same behavior you spent all morning correcting. Your natural instinct is to "fix" it. You want the shouting to stop. You want the room cleaned. You want the sibling rivalry to vanish. You want compliance.
But here is the high-stakes truth we must face: You can have a perfectly compliant child whose heart is a thousand miles away from Jesus.
In this seventeenth chapter of our journey through Raising Giants, we are stepping away from the surface-level tactics of behavior modification and moving into the deep, often messy, but eternally rewarding work of shepherding the heart. If we only parent what we see, the "outward appearance", we are effectively raising little actors who learn how to manage their image rather than their souls.
This study guide is designed to help you, the parent, develop "spiritual x-ray vision." It is time to look past the height of their stature and the frequency of their failures to see what God sees: the heart.
The Divine Perspective: A Deep Dive into 1 Samuel 16:7
To understand how to parent the heart, we must look at the moment God redefined leadership for the nation of Israel. Samuel, the great prophet, was looking for a king. He stood before the sons of Jesse and saw Eliab, tall, strong, and looking every bit like a monarch. Samuel thought, "Surely this is the one."
God’s response was a sharp correction that should echo in every Christian home: "Do not look on his appearance... for I have rejected him."
God was not saying that Eliab’s appearance was "bad"; He was saying it was irrelevant to the mission. God was looking for a man after His own heart. David, the youngest, the shepherd boy whom even his father didn't think to invite to the meeting, was the one God chose. Why? Because David’s heart was oriented toward his Creator.
The Application for Your Home: We often parent like Samuel. We look at the "Eliab" behaviors, the grades, the sports trophies, the polite "yes sirs," and the Sunday school participation, and we assume the spiritual work is done. Conversely, when we see the "David" moments, the messiness, the overlooked flaws, the hidden struggles, we fear we are failing.
But God is teaching us that the external "stature" of your child’s life is not the metric of success. The metric is the heart. As a parent, your primary job is not to produce a child who looks good to the neighbors; it is to nurture a child who loves God from the inside out.
The Root and the Fruit: Understanding the Heart-Behavior Connection
If you have a tree in your backyard that produces bitter, rotten apples, you don't solve the problem by taping shiny, plastic apples to the branches. That would be an "outward appearance" fix. To get sweet fruit, you have to look at the health of the roots and the quality of the soil.
In the New Testament, Jesus made this connection explicit: "For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit... The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks" (Luke 6:43-45).
Behavior is the fruit. The heart is the root.
When we focus solely on behavior, we are practicing "fruit-taping." We are forcing compliance through fear of punishment or hope for a reward, but the "treasure of the heart" remains unchanged.
Parenting the heart means asking:
What is my child believing right now that makes this behavior seem like a good idea?
What are they afraid of?
What are they worshiping (self, comfort, toys, status)?
When you address the root, the fruit eventually changes. When you only address the fruit, you create a hollow tree.
Legalism vs. Grace: A Cultural and Spiritual Breakdown
To parent the heart, we must distinguish between two powerful atmospheres in a home: Legalism and Grace.
The Trap of Legalism
Legalism is a performance-based environment. In a legalistic home, a child learns:
Acceptance is earned. I am loved when I obey; I am a disappointment when I fail.
Image is everything. As long as I don't get caught or embarrass the family, I'm "good."
God is a Judge, not a Father. I obey because I'm afraid of the consequences, not because I love the Law-giver.
Legalism produces one of two things: a "Pharisee" (the compliant child who is full of pride) or a "Rebel" (the child who realizes they can never be good enough and stops trying).
The Power of Grace
Grace-based parenting, aligned with Assemblies of God theology, recognizes that we are all sinners in need of a Savior. In a grace-filled home, a child learns:
Identity is secure. I am loved because I am yours and because I am God’s, regardless of my performance.
Truth is for transformation. Rules exist to protect us and show us God’s character, not just to control us.
The Gospel is the solution. When I fail, I don't just "try harder"; I run to the Cross for forgiveness and the Holy Spirit for power.
Grace doesn't mean "no rules." In fact, grace has higher standards because it aims for the heart, not just the hands. But grace provides the power to meet those standards through relationship rather than coercion.
The 'Heart Check' Exercise
The next time your child misbehaves, instead of jumping straight to the "consequence," try this Heart Check Exercise. This is a tool for both the parent and the child to use together.
1. The Chamber of Desires
Ask: "What did you want so badly that you were willing to sin to get it?" (Example: "I wanted the toy right now more than I wanted to be kind to my sister.")
2. The Chamber of Beliefs
Ask: "What were you believing about God or yourself in that moment?" (Example: "I believed that if I didn't take the toy, I would never be happy.")
3. The Chamber of Motives
Ask: "Who were you trying to serve?" (Example: "I was trying to serve myself, not God.")
4. The Chamber of Feelings
Ask: "How did your heart feel before and after?" (Example: "I felt angry before, and now I feel lonely.")
By walking through these "chambers," you are teaching your child self-awareness and repentance. You are showing them that their sin isn't just a broken rule, it’s a broken heart-posture.
Practical Tips for Building Deeper Relationships
If you want to influence the heart, you must have access to it. Access to the heart is built through the bridge of relationship.
Prioritize Presence over Programs. Your child needs your time more than they need another extracurricular activity. Heart-level conversations often happen in the "in-between" moments, driving to school, washing dishes, or sitting on the edge of the bed at night.
Be the Chief Repenter. If you want your child to have a soft heart toward God, show them yours. When you lose your temper, don't just move on. Go to them and say, "I was wrong. My heart was full of pride. Will you forgive me?" This models that we all live by grace.
Use Scripture as a Mirror, Not a Hammer. Don't just quote verses to "win" an argument. Use the Word of God to help them see the beauty of Christ and the wisdom of His ways. Show them how the Bible understands their heart better than they do.
Pray for the Heart. You cannot change your child’s heart. Only the Holy Spirit can do that. Spend more time talking to God about your child than you do talking to your child about their behavior.
Reflection Questions & Action Steps
For Personal Reflection:
Think about your last three "disciplinary" encounters. Were you more focused on the behavior (the "fruit") or the heart (the "root")?
In what ways does your home feel more like a "courtroom" (legalism) and in what ways does it feel like a "hospital" (grace)?
Read 1 Samuel 16:7 again. Ask God to show you where you have been judging your child based on "outward appearance."
Action Steps for this Week:
The "Heart-First" Correction: The next time a conflict arises, wait 30 seconds before speaking. Pray for eyes to see the heart. Use one of the "Heart Check" questions before issuing a consequence.
A Night of Connection: Set aside one hour this week for "unstructured connection." No phones, no chores, no "teaching." Just play, listen, and enjoy your child’s presence.
Identify the Idol: Try to identify one "heart idol" your child struggles with (e.g., the need for control, the need for approval, the love of comfort) and find a Bible story that addresses that specific heart-need.
Final Charge
Parenting the heart is the "long game." It is slower than behavior modification. It is harder than just handing out punishments. It requires more patience, more prayer, and more of your own soul. But the reward is a giant-slayer.
When we parent the heart, we are preparing our children to stand alone in a dark world, not because they are afraid of the rules, but because they are in love with the King. Let us stop looking at the stature and start looking at the soul.
The heart is where the battle for the next generation will be won or lost. Let’s fight for it.
Layne McDonald, Ph.D., is a dedicated author, Christian leader, and scholar committed to helping people deepen their relationship with Jesus Christ through biblically grounded resources. With a background in theology and leadership, Dr. McDonald specializes in creating high-quality Christian books, Bible studies, and devotionals that provide practical wisdom for modern living. His work is rooted in a commitment to biblical truth and emotional intelligence, aiming to disciple readers, strengthen families, and equip the Church to navigate cultural challenges with grace and discernment.
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