Christian Living: Christian Loving Matters: How Do I Love Someone I Don't Like?
- Dr. Layne McDonald
- Jun 26
- 5 min read
Christian Loving Matters: How Do I Love Someone I Don't Like?
To love someone you don't like, you must distinguish between emotional affection and the biblical command of agape love, which is a deliberate choice to seek another person’s highest good and treat them with Christ-like dignity regardless of your personal feelings or their personality.
Executive Summary
Navigating difficult relationships is one of the most significant challenges in the Christian life, yet it is where our faith is most vividly refined. This guide explores the biblical distinction between "liking" and "loving," provides a roadmap for shifting your perspective through prayer, and offers practical steps for setting healthy boundaries while maintaining a heart of grace. By leaning into the Holy Spirit’s power, we can move from resentment to a posture of purposeful, kingdom-centered love.
The Great Misunderstanding: Like vs. Love
In our modern culture, we often collapse "love" and "like" into the same category. We think that to love someone, we must enjoy their company, share their interests, and feel a warm glow when they enter the room. However, the Greek language of the New Testament offers a much more nuanced, and liberating, view.
When Jesus commands us to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:31), He isn't commanding us to have an emotional crush on everyone we meet. He uses the word agape. Unlike phileo (brotherly affection or liking) or eros (romantic love), agape is a love of the will. It is a commitment to the well-being of another.
As a pastor and coach, I often tell people: You don’t have to like someone’s personality to love their soul. You don’t have to enjoy their jokes to honor their humanity. Understanding this distinction is the first step toward freedom. It removes the guilt of "not feeling it" and replaces it with the high calling of "choosing it."
Shift the Perspective: Seeing Through God’s Eyes
One of the hardest parts of dealing with someone we don't like is the "narrowing" of our vision. We become hyper-focused on their flaws, their annoying habits, or the ways they’ve offended us. They become a caricature rather than a person.
To love someone you don't like, you need a cinematic shift in perspective. Imagine a film where you only see the villain’s bad deeds. You hate them. But then the camera zooms out, and you see the trauma, the brokenness, and the "why" behind the "what." Suddenly, your heart softens.
The Prayer of Honesty
The most practical way to start this shift is through honest prayer. Don't go to God with a "polite" prayer. Go with the truth.
"Lord, I really don't like this person."
"Father, their presence drains me."
"God, help me see what You see when You look at them."
When we pray for those we struggle with, something miraculous happens: God rarely changes the other person first; He changes our heart toward them. If you’re struggling to find the words to even begin this process, you might find our guide on how to pray when you don't have the words helpful.
Practical Acts: Love is a Verb
If love is a choice of the will, then love must have hands and feet. You don't wait for the feeling of love to arrive before you act; you act in love, and often, the feelings (or at least the peace) follow.
Here are five small ways to love someone you don't like:
Guard Your Speech: Refuse to gossip about them. Speaking well of someone, or choosing silence, is a profound act of agape.
Practice "Pre-emptive Kindness": Give them the benefit of the doubt. If they are late or rude, assume they are having a hard day rather than assuming they are out to get you.
Small Mercies: A simple greeting, a door held open, or a polite "thank you" can bridge a massive emotional gap.
Listen Without Fixing: Sometimes the people we dislike are just people who feel unheard. Listening is one of the highest forms of love.
Seek Their Success: This is the ultimate test. Can you pray for their promotion? Can you be happy when they succeed?
The Role of Boundaries: Love Doesn’t Mean "Doormat"
There is a dangerous misconception that Christian love means staying in toxic situations or allowing yourself to be mistreated. This is not biblical love; this is enabling.
Jesus loved everyone, but He didn't trust everyone with His time or His heart (John 2:24). He frequently withdrew to quiet places. He spoke hard truths to the Pharisees because he loved the truth and their souls more than their approval.
Setting "Safe-Zone" Boundaries
In my creative and leadership coaching, I teach that boundaries are actually an act of love. If being around someone causes you to sin, to become bitter, angry, or resentful, then the most loving thing you can do for both of you is to create space.
Physical Space: Limiting the time spent together.
Emotional Space: Deciding what you will and won't discuss.
Mental Space: Refusing to let them "live rent-free" in your head through overthinking.
If your struggle with someone stems from deep past wounds, especially within a ministry context, I encourage you to read my thoughts on healing from church hurt. Healing is often the prerequisite to loving.
Relying on the Holy Spirit
Finally, we must admit that loving people we don't like is impossible in our own strength. Our natural "flesh" wants to recoil, defend, and dislike. It is only through the power of the Holy Spirit that we can access a love that "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7).
We are called to be conduits of God's love. Think of yourself as a filmmaker holding a lens. If the lens is dirty with your own ego and preference, the image is distorted. But when the Holy Spirit cleans the lens, you see a child of God who is just as much in need of grace as you are.
FAQ: Loving the Unlikable
Q: Does loving someone mean I have to be their best friend? A: No. Biblical love (agape) is about seeking their good, not necessarily seeking their company. You can love someone deeply while maintaining a distant or professional relationship.
Q: What if they are actively hurting me? A: Love does not require you to remain in an abusive or harmful situation. Loving them may mean calling the authorities, setting a firm boundary, or walking away while still praying for their repentance and healing from a distance.
Q: How do I stop feeling guilty about not liking them? A: Realize that your personality and theirs may simply not "click," and that's okay. Focus on your obedience to Christ's command to love rather than your emotional "like" meter.
Q: Can I love someone and still disagree with their lifestyle? A: Absolutely. In fact, true love often involves holding to the truth. Jesus was the perfect blend of grace and truth. You can value the person without validating every choice they make.
Q: How long does it take for the feelings to change? A: Sometimes the feelings never change. Other times, they soften over years. The goal isn't to change your feelings; the goal is to be faithful to God's heart.
One Clear Next Step
If you are struggling to find your true north in a difficult relationship, I want to help. My Christian Leadership and Creativity Coaching is designed to help you navigate these real-world demands with a "Real Jesus" perspective. Let's work together to find peace and purpose in the midst of your most challenging connections.
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