Raising Giants: Chapter 17: Parenting the Heart, Not the Behavior
- Dr. Layne McDonald
- 5 days ago
- 10 min read
"But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'" , 1 Samuel 16:7 (NKJV)
We’ve all seen the "Yard Sign" family. You know the one. Their lawn is perfectly manicured, their minivan is spotless, and their children walk into the church foyer like a synchronized drill team. The kids sit still during the sermon, they say "sir" and "ma’am" at exactly the right volume, and they never seem to have a hair out of place. From the outside, it looks like a masterpiece of Christian parenting. It looks like success.
But often, if you peel back the layers and look behind the closed doors of that spotless minivan, you find a different story. You find children who have learned to play a role but have never had their souls touched by the grace of God. You find "behavioral experts" who know how to avoid a spanking or earn a screen-time reward, but who harbor a deep, simmering resentment for the God their parents claim to serve.
The tragedy of modern Christian parenting is that we often spend eighteen years polishing the exterior of a cup that is spiritually empty on the inside. We focus so intensely on the what, the behavior, that we completely ignore the why, the heart. And as we will explore in this chapter, rules without relationship lead inevitably to rebellion. If we want to raise giants who are unshakable in their faith, we must stop parenting for the neighbors and start parenting for the King. We must learn to look past the outward appearance and see as the Lord sees.
The Samuel Mistake: Why We Choose the Wrong King
When the prophet Samuel went to the house of Jesse to anoint the next king of Israel, he was a seasoned man of God. He had heard the voice of the Lord since he was a boy in the Tabernacle. Yet, even Samuel fell into the most common human trap: he looked at the "Eliabs" of the world.
Jesse’s eldest son, Eliab, was impressive. He was tall, strong, and looked every bit the part of a monarch. Samuel saw him and immediately thought, "Surely the Lord’s anointed is before Him!" (1 Samuel 16:6). Samuel was looking for a king based on height, muscle, and visible prestige. But God stopped him mid-thought. God reminded him that He had already rejected the outward standard.
In our homes, we do the same thing every single day. We look at our children and evaluate our "success" based on their grades, their athletic performance, their ability to sit still in a pew, and their compliance with our house rules. If they check those boxes, we assume we are doing a great job. We assume the "anointed one" is standing before us.
But God is looking at something else entirely. He is looking at the root system. He is looking at the desires, the fears, the loves, and the beliefs that drive the child. If the child is "good" simply because they are afraid of you, or because they want a reward, or because they want to maintain a certain image, then their goodness is a hollow shell. It is a house built on sand, and when the storms of culture, college, and independence hit, that house will come crashing down.
The Root and the Fruit: Understanding the Heart
To parent the heart, we must first understand what the Bible means when it uses that word. In the modern world, "heart" usually refers to our emotions or romantic feelings. But in Scripture, the heart is the command center of the human soul. It is the seat of the will, the intellect, and the affections. It is the "real you" that exists when no one else is watching.
Proverbs 4:23 warns us: "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life."
Think of your child as a tree. The behavior you see, the yelling, the sharing, the lying, the kindness, is the fruit. But no amount of stapling apples to a dead tree will make it an apple tree. If you want better fruit, you have to look at the roots.
When your child hits their sibling, the "hitting" is just the fruit. The root might be a heart of selfishness ("I want that toy more than I love my brother"), a heart of anger ("I deserve to be treated better"), or a heart of fear ("If I don't fight, I'll lose what's mine").
If you only address the hitting (behavior), you are just pruning a branch. The root of selfishness is still there, and it will simply grow a different kind of bad fruit tomorrow, maybe lying, or manipulation, or bitterness. But if you address the heart of selfishness and point that child toward the self-giving love of Christ, you are doing "heart surgery." You are dealing with the cause, not just the symptom.
The Danger of Legalism: Creating Pharisees-in-Training
One of the most dangerous paths a Christian parent can take is the path of legalism. Legalism is the belief that outward conformity to a set of rules is the same thing as spiritual maturity. It is a focus on the "law" without the "Spirit."
When we parent through legalism, we teach our children that God is a celestial bean-counter who is primarily concerned with their performance. We create an environment where "appearing godly" is more important than "being godly."
What happens to a child raised in a legalistic home? Usually, one of two things:
The Performer: They become experts at the game. They learn exactly what to say and how to act to stay out of trouble. They become the "perfect" Christian kids who grow up to be "perfect" church members, but they have no internal life with God. They are "white-washed tombs," beautiful on the outside but full of dead men's bones on the inside (Matthew 23:27).
The Rebel: They see the hypocrisy. They feel the weight of a standard they can't meet and a relationship they don't have. Eventually, the pressure becomes too much, and they explode. They run as far away from the "rules" as possible because they never experienced the "Restorer."
Rules are necessary. In the Assemblies of God tradition, we believe firmly in the authority of Scripture and the importance of a holy life. But those rules must be grounded in a relationship with the Father. God gave the Ten Commandments to a people He had already redeemed out of Egypt. The relationship preceded the rules. If you try to give your children the rules before you’ve given them a reason to love the Ruler, you are inviting rebellion.
How to Check the Heart: The Power of Better Questions
So, how do we actually do this? How do we move from behavior-management to heart-discipleship? It begins with the way we talk to our children in the "giant" moments of failure.
Most of us respond to a child's sin with "What" questions:
"What did you do?"
"What were you thinking?"
"What did I tell you about that?"
These questions focus on the behavior. They are designed to establish guilt and issue a sentence. To reach the heart, we need to ask "Why" and "Where" questions:
"What were you wanting so much that you were willing to lie to get it?"
"Where was your heart in that moment? Were you trying to protect yourself, or were you trying to honor God?"
"What did you believe about God’s goodness in that moment? Did you think He wouldn't take care of you, so you had to take matters into your own hands?"
When we ask these questions, we aren't just disciplining; we are teaching our children self-awareness. We are helping them see the "sin beneath the sin." We are showing them that their problem isn't just a "bad habit", it’s a heart that has wandered away from trusting Jesus.
The Grace-Based Home: Connection Before Correction
To parent the heart, you must have a bridge to that heart. That bridge is built with the bricks of relationship and the mortar of grace.
If your child only hears from you when they’ve done something wrong, the bridge is broken. They will view you as a warden, not a shepherd. But if you have invested in their world, if you have played on the floor with them, listened to their "boring" stories about video games, and cheered for them in their small victories, you have earned the right to speak into their soul.
When a child feels truly known and loved, they are much more likely to be honest about their heart. In a grace-based home, failure isn't the end of the world; it’s an opportunity for the Gospel. When your child fails, and you respond with a firm but loving hand that points them back to the forgiveness found in Christ, you are modeling the heart of the Father.
We must move away from a "shame-based" culture in our homes. Shame says, "You are bad because you did this." Grace says, "What you did was wrong, but you are a child of the King, and He has a better way for you." Shame drives a child into the shadows; grace draws them into the light.
Legalism vs. Grace: A Comparison for the Christian Home
It can be helpful to see the stark contrast between these two parenting philosophies. One is focused on the "man-made" appearance, while the other is focused on the "God-made" heart.
As you look at this chart, ask yourself: Which column describes the atmosphere of my dinner table? Which column describes the way I react when I get a call from the principal's office?
If we want to raise giants, we cannot be satisfied with "Behavior Modification." That is the world's way. The world can train a dog to sit; the world can train a person to follow a dress code. Only the Holy Spirit can take a heart of stone and turn it into a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26). Our job as parents is to co-labor with the Spirit, constantly pointing our children to the only One who can actually change them from the inside out.
The Role of the Holy Spirit in Heart Transformation
As parents, we have a terrifying realization at some point: I cannot actually change my child’s heart.
I can control their body. I can put them in time-out. I can take away their phone. I can make them recite Bible verses until they are blue in the face. But I cannot make them love Jesus. I cannot make them want to be honest. I cannot make them feel compassion for the poor.
This is where our Pentecostal heritage becomes so vital. We believe in the active, transformative power of the Holy Spirit. We believe that heart-parenting is a supernatural task that requires a supernatural Partner.
We must be parents who are "spirit-led" in our discipline. There are times when a child needs a firm consequence (Scripture is clear on this). But there are also times when a child needs a hug and a prayer because their heart is breaking under the weight of their own sin. Only the Holy Spirit can give you the discernment to know which is which.
Don't just pray for your kids; pray with them. Let them hear you asking the Holy Spirit to change your heart when you lose your temper. Show them that the Christian life isn't about being perfect; it’s about being perfectly dependent on the Spirit of God.
David: The Man After God’s Heart
Let's go back to Jesse’s house. After Samuel had looked at all the "impressive" brothers and been told "no" every time, David was finally brought in from the fields. He was the youngest. He was probably dirty, smelling like sheep, and totally overlooked by his own father.
But David had something the others didn't. He had a heart that had been forged in the secret places. In the lonely nights in the pasture, he had learned to sing to the Lord. He had learned to trust God against the lion and the bear. His "internal life" was far larger than his "external image."
When God said, "Arise, anoint him; for this is the one!" (1 Samuel 16:12), He wasn't rewarding David's behavior. He was recognizing David's heart-orientation. David would go on to fail, miserably. He would commit adultery and murder. But what made him a "man after God's heart" was that when his sin was exposed, his heart broke. He didn't try to manage his image; he cried out, "Create in me a clean heart, O God" (Psalm 51:10).
That is our goal as parents. We aren't trying to raise children who never sin. We are trying to raise children who, when they do sin, know exactly where to run. We want to raise children whose "clean heart" is more important to them than their "clean image."
Practical Steps for Parenting the Heart
Prioritize Character Over Achievement: When your child brings home a report card, or wins a game, don't just praise the result. Praise the character behind it. "I'm so proud of how hard you worked even when it was difficult," or "I saw the way you encouraged your teammate when they messed up. That shows a heart like Jesus."
Repent Out Loud: If you want your kids to have a heart of repentance, you have to show them what it looks like. When you yell in the car or act selfishly, don't just "move on." Go to your child and say, "I was wrong. My heart was selfish, and I didn't honor God or you. Will you forgive me?"
Use the Bible as a Mirror, Not a Hammer: Don't just use Scripture to tell them they are in trouble. Use it to show them the beauty of God's heart and the wisdom of His ways. Help them see that God's rules are for their protection and joy, not their restriction.
Create Space for Conversation: Turn off the radio in the car. Put the phones away at dinner. You cannot shepherd a heart you aren't talking to. Ask the "Big Questions" and then, this is the hard part, listen without judging. Let them express their doubts and fears so you can bring them into the light.
The Great Exchange
At the end of the day, parenting the heart is an act of faith. It takes much longer than behavior modification. It’s "messier." It requires more patience, more tears, and more prayer. It’s easy to yank a toy away; it’s hard to sit on the floor and talk about why we feel the need to grab in the first place.
But the reward is eternal. When we parent the heart, we are preparing our children not just for a successful life on earth, but for an eternal life with their Creator. We are teaching them that they are more than the sum of their actions; they are beloved souls who are being transformed into the image of Christ.
Stop looking at the outward appearance. Stop worrying about what the people in the next pew think. Look at the heart. Shepherd the soul. Raise a giant.
Author Bio: Layne McDonald, Ph.D. Dr. Layne McDonald is a dedicated follower of Jesus Christ, a husband, father, and a leading voice in Christian ministry and leadership. With a Ph.D. and a heart for the local church, Dr. McDonald specializes in creating biblically grounded resources that bridge the gap between complex theology and everyday life. His work, rooted in the Assemblies of God tradition, spans from deep Bible commentaries to practical family discipleship guides. Dr. McDonald is committed to helping believers grow in their faith, heal emotionally, and lead with wisdom and integrity. Through his books and teaching, he continues to empower the Body of Christ to live with eternal purpose and cultural discernment.
Are you raising a "good kid" who secretly hates the rules, or a "broken kid" who is learning to love the Redeemer?
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